09 March 2009

weekend update

After almost 2 weeks of tummy troubles, the trots finally stopped on Saturday.  yipee!  Just in time for a party Saturday night.  We took with us a new girl, who discovered slavery overseas and is now back in Australia, trying to get into the scene.  She has a lovely personality and a gorgous body.  Very much the look of 'O'.

A beautiful, balmy night i had a lovely swim in their pool and gave myself a massage by rolling back and forth over the power jets.  No, didn't cum because i didn't have permission.  i'd asked Master to give me a list of rules and only that morning He'd given me a book of them!  So now the no cumming rule was official *bugger*

Later on in the evening, Master was sitting in a chair and instructed me to get the new mat He'd bought for me to sit on. i sat down and slipped into a nice, mellow subpace.  Not exactly sure why, but it was fun.

This morning when i got up i was greeted with a flogger and an order to worship the little Master.  What a lovely start to the day.  A not so lovely start to the day was the greeting of the trots back again - a result of something i ate at the party.  i now also have an offical 'we don't do dairy' from the stomach union.  Seems my lactose absorbers have gone on strike.

Other News

my first week of study went really well.  i've acutally learnt something new lol, in only the first week.  Bodes well for the next 3 years.

And on the bright side, i have been spurred on to kick start that blasted diet again.  A friend gave me the details of the doctor she sees about her fills.  Medicare pays for it and she only has to shell out $10 from her own pocket.  Much better than the $100+ the other doctor was going to charge me.  So with tummy being a tad princess-y lately, there is no better time to start.

07 March 2009

Becareful what you ask for

Asked Master to write out a list of rules for me to follow. Nothing special, just His rules. Was thinking of maybe 10 to 12 on an A4 page i can print up and frame.

Master handed me a book of 12 pages!!!!!!

04 March 2009

study

Well, 2 days behind when i should have started this week, but not doing too badly. Slogged through a lot of heavy reading material today. Brain forgot what its like. Did just over 1 hour of reading when i got up, then did just over 1 hour of sleeping again - this is after getting 9 straight hours last night!

Manged to finish all the reading for one of my units today, which is really good. Took as many breaks as i needed to rest the eyes and the brain. After watching another ep of Big Love tonight, i came and started going through my notes for my next subject, which will be done tomorrow. Just got 2 lectures to listen to and some extra reading for that one.

So far, its all pretty cruisy.

03 March 2009

unchain my heart...

no, literally!  Master and i had a breakfast meeting with a slave new to the area.  We had to leave home around 5.45am.  Master thought it would be too cute to padlock some chain around each breast, under my bra.  i was told to keep them on all day, unless something came up.  Well yes, they have been on all day.  Nothing has come up, unfortunately, because now they are starting to get to that annoying-hurty stage.  But not enough to take them off :(

Got my final details for my last uni website, so am tackling study tomorrow all day.  Its now just after 4pm and i feel wiped.

study

Yesterday was day one of my study lol.  Well, i was able to sign into 2 of the unis i need to, but not number 3. Will have to call them today to get the passwords and stuff.  The way i'm studying, i sign up for units from anywhere listed (currently 7 unis) and then compile a BA out of that, following certain guidelines.  For instance, with one of them, i have to do 8 units from that uni and a major they've put together in order to get the BA from them.  The major they've put together happens to be the religion studies one - and that just happens to be run by a uni different to who i'm getting the BA through - so, the need to have a 2nd uni for that.  The third uni is who i'm doing the second BA through.

All very confusing i know.  Anyway, after getting back from out breakfast out, i will tracking down the 3rd uni and getting those passwords.  Most of the info i need is sent to me, but there is still some on the uni forums and i can't get to them without a password.  *sigh*

Big Love

Master bought the first complete season of Big Love on DVD.  We're upto ep 4 now.  Part of the reason to get it is to observe how poly households work.  Thats poly as in polygamous, not polyamorous.  He's not polyamorous, that's me.

Before meeting me, He never thought about having more than one slave, He didn't know if He would meet any that were Ok with that.  So, i think i was a breath of fresh air in that department. 

So, i asked Him if He was picking up any tips.  Nope, He's been too caught up in the story line lol.

Now i am poly and i do look forward to having someone else join us, i do have a couple of insecurities though.  But that's left off stuff from my past.  i won't be letting it get in the way and we will be working through all the steps together, to make sure its a success for us.  He's not interested in a sexual relationship with another, just the domming of them.  There is also my being bi and Him having a fantasy of two women together (what straight man doesn't?), so we both feel a married woman who wants to explore this side of herself (the submitting not the bi so much) - with her husband's concent or a lesbian would make an idea second slave.  i told Him, He's much more likely to find the housewife than anyone else.

Here we go again

i was wiped out last night, actually in bed by 9pm which is unheard of for me! So what happens? i wake up at 2.45 yep, great!

i was involved with a bit of an email 'discussion' with someone who is 23 and just discovered BDSM through one website. She had decided to become an expert on the subject and to declare a sub or slave can't go into subspace with a light flogging. No actual life experience mind, just what she's been reading from masochists. It seems a masochist can go into subspace, but a sub can't - mind you, as i pointed out, it is called subspace for a reason.  Apparently, we all need pain to get there.  Hm.  The fact i was once ordered by a Dom to undress and bingo! went into subspace appears to be a lie according to her understanding.  It all depends on who, how, when, where, why and what bloody mood i'm in.

The clamps only stayed on for 1 hour yesterday after all.  i'm rather 'well endowed' in that area and because of angle of trajectory, the clamps had to be done up a lot firmer than expected to not fall off.  Having a metal chain connecting them didn't help.  So it was one hour, they came off at 10 and bed beckoned soon after.  i ended up sleeping from 10.30 to 2pm.  Which makes it even harder to understand why i was wiped out by 9pm.

02 March 2009

tired

Insomnia is a bitch. Didn't get to sleep til around 2am. Woken just after 6 by Master coming into to padlock some small chains around my wrists before He went to work. i was also given instructions to call Him.

So, up, had breakfast and shower and call. i have to put some nipple clamps on from 9 - 12. Not really tight ones, these i just have to tighten enough so stay on. Its all about them just being there.

i feel so wiped out right now. Its gonna be a looooong day.

01 March 2009

Diet

So went shopping and bought foods to start new diet plan.

Breakfast
meal replacement shake
piece of fruit
coffee

Lunch
meal replacement shake
salad
water

Afternoon Snack
yoghurt with LSA added

Dinner
moderate meal of whatever i feel like. Currently, no starch carbs

To this i will have upto 3 coffees a day and a couple of diet soft drinks will be OK. i'm also going to aim for around 2 litres of water a day. At present i'm on one of my 'i hate the taste of water' kicks, so to help me i've bought some lemons to add a touch of lemon juice and some flavoured cordial so i can add a touch of that to disguise the taste.

i will be doing my walking DVD each week day. Friday night is a ritual of dip and chips/crips for dinner while watching Top Gear. That's not changing, except we are now including raw veggies to use with the dip.

i'm not going to be a nazi about this. i am following this plan but if something comes up and it has to be altered - like going to a munch for lunch - then i am going to alter my plan. The meal replacements aren't forever, they are simply to kick start the weigthloss again and also to help me shed some so when i go for the next fill, the doc won't be angry with me. After the fill i can stick with regular food, i just won't feel like as much.

i've made up my own diet regime in the past and they have always worked for a short time. The problem comes when my brain decides i've been so good i can reward myself with every fattening thing known to man, until i've put it all back on and them some.

oh shit

Period pain from hell. That's all.

28 February 2009

Very happy

A friend of mine has broken up her 6 year relationship to what i affectionally term a vanilla bastard. A guy who 'plays Dom' in order to use a woman for whatever reason. Its been hard for her because it was her first experience and she had no way of knowing if he was decent or not. Since breaking up, she's been in touch with a few but none of them were right. She's also done some foolish stuff, but we all have to do that when first starting out.

i have a knack for picking out decent people, even just by what they write in a profile. i saw one guy's profile at collarme.com and messaged her saying He was a goodun. He lives in another state, but that really isn't an issue because she doesn't really have anything to keep her here. So she sent Him a message and bingo! She said He's great. He's relaxed with Himself, likes to have a bit of a joke and doesn't buy into all the posturing. He's also more than happy to just chat and if nothing happens, to be friends. i've given her advice on how to handle this one. This Man is a good one, He's decent and if all works out, will do right by her. i've told her if she takes my advice on this, He is the one for her.

i don't exactly match make, i can just read people really well. i got my sister to go on a date with a guy she met on the internet and after 6 years together and buying a house they will be married later this year. He is definitely a good one. Same as i've picked out a guy for my younger sister, but unfortunately, she won't listen, so i've let that one go.

As for me...

Just over a week ago, i sent Master an email saying i wanted and needed for us to move to a TPE relationship. i had come to a point of surrendering myself to Him and i wanted to give up all rights i might have. Tonight we discussed this and He said He took my word at that time. i told Him i didn't know because i hadn't been told. He has a habit of discussing something and taking it away to think over before making a decision, so i wasn't aware He had decided to just accept it and that was it.

Well, now its official. i am a slave without any right - and doesn't that make me one horny bitch! Very happy.

27 February 2009

Can we say organigimse

Just taking a quick break from cleaning the bedroom. Yes, i know, was gonna do it yesterday. Good excuse though. i'm still not 100% well from the tummy bug. i'm having one day yick and one day ok. Yesterday was yick day, so today is clean the bloody room day.

Which means i did find my walking DVD again, so now there is no excuse - yay (oh).

Have been trying some of my clothes on again. With the help of my friendly little tummy big, the GDs and not feeling particularly hungry i am now pretty much back to where i was before christmas. One more week and i will be back where i started. Recovering lost ground in 2 months is absolutely excellent for me. i'm very excited and have now set the new goal of size 16 (14 to my US friends). This will be an exciting goal to reach. i have not been a 16 since i was about 27. This will be the slap i need to wake me up - hello! yes this is real. you are losing weight.

Now, what will be the special reward i set for obtaining that goal? hm, this could be interesting.

OK off to get yoghurt for afternoon snack and then back to work.

26 February 2009

Organisation

Today i have designated clean up the bedroom day. We both have a habit of putting things down and leaving them there. We start little stacks everywhere and just move items from one stack to another, until a big mess is what we have.

So today, the big mess formally known as our bedroom is getting the treatment. Yesterday it was the lounge and kitchen, putting away the cases and things we had taken on the weekend with us. i know, slack arent' i?

The bedroom is mostly my domain. i used to have an office when i was running my business, but now there is no business, the office has been given back to Master to use as His den. Two rooms in the house i don't touch, His den (we affectionaately call it the office) and the dungeon. They are His private spaces, places where He can do as He likes. i do use the office while He's at work. He has a kick arse computer, which i've named Big Mumma. mine is very slow to do everything, even with ADSL2. He doesn't mind me using it because He knows i don't go snooping. As long as i hand it back as soon as He's ready to take over, which i always do.

Next week my BA studies start, so my time will not be my own. That's why i'm trying to get the house in thorough order this week. All i will have to do after that is just keep on top of things. i've discovered i don't actually mind housework. i used to hate it because it never ends. you do something today and tomorrow it needs doing again. Actually, i've realised if you have everything done and just need to do maintenance cleaning, its not long, hard or boring. Its letting it get to a state of utter chaos that's the problem.

Currently, our wardrobe is the bed in the spare room. Washing gets dumped there and we pick new clothes to wear from it. i will be tackling that tomorrow. So by Sunday the house will be in proper order. Let one thing go and everything just piles up. i've decided the best thing to do, is each day i will start by doing the quick clean, take about 30 minutes to do the essentials (toilet, bathroom, make bed etc) and then each day will give a more thorough go over of one room. Then i will be free for the rest of the day to spend on study and whatnot. Now i just have to stick to the plan lol.

25 February 2009

more meme

Your result for The Bem Sex Role Inventory Test...

Feminine

You scored 40% masculinity and 57% femininity!


You scored high on femininity and low on masculinity. You have a traditionally feminine personality.


Take The Bem Sex Role Inventory Test
at HelloQuizzy




Your result for The Kinkyness Test...

Kinky bastard!

Grats! You're 92% kinky!


Well well well, you kinky bastard! Most likely you're into some weird shit, which is always great. Consider mailing the author of this test, and keep up the good work ;)


Take The Kinkyness Test
at HelloQuizzy




Your result for The Sexual HELL Test...

HELL LEVEL 3

Raw score: 100%


There's a special place in Hell for you: the basement penthouse. You scored the nastiest possible score on the Sexual Hell Test. You have no sexual restraint whatsoever. You'll take pleasure however you can get it, and my guess is you get it a lot. If for some reason you don't right now, you will soon, as people in your category only tend to spiral down ever deeper into the abyss of carnality and delicious sin. Congratulations.


I, personally, think that this category is the best. Paradoxically enough, sexual liberation and indulgence can only bring you closer to purity.


AVOID: all but level 3 hellions like yourself. You wouldn't want to ruin anyone, now would you?


Take The Sexual HELL Test
at HelloQuizzy




Your result for The 100 Point Sexual Purity Test...

30% pure: Decidedly Perverted

You are just 30% sexually pure!



Take The 100 Point Sexual Purity Test
at HelloQuizzy




Your result for The Lover Style Profile Test...

The Surprising Lover

59% partner focus, 38% aggressiveness, 65% adventurousness


Based on the results of this test, it is highly likely that:



You prefer your romance and love to wild and daring rather than typical or boring, you would rather be pursued than do the pursuing and, when it comes to physical love, your satisfaction comes more from providing a wonderful time to your partner than simply seeking your own.



This places you in the Lover Style of: The Surprising Lover.



The Surprising Lover is a wonderful Lover Style, and, like the name implies, is often filled with hidden delights and talents that might not be apparent from a surface knowledge of the person. The Surprising Lover is rather like a geode--sometimes rough on the exterior, but filled with beauty and wonder. The Surprising Lover is thus a gem to find, though it can sometimes be difficult to do so because they often tend to be humble and unwilling to reveal their inner greatness unless they're in a rewarding relationship.



In terms of physical love, the Surprising Lover really shines, often highly imaginative and utterly devoted to bringing the heights of pleasure to the one that they truly love. Given a rewarding, reciprocative relationship, and the right lover, the Surprising Lover can be a delight in bed.



Best Compatibility can probably be found with: The Carnal Lover (most of all) or the Exotic Lover, or the Suave Lover.



Congratulations!
http://www.helloquizzy.com/tests/the-lover-style-profile-test

24 February 2009

slave worth - meme


HumanForSale.com - Anti-aging

collar meme

Your result for The Sex Slave Collar Test...


Totaly enslaved


You want steel locked tight around your throat, in fact you would be happy if it was welded on! However until that happy day explore Axsmar you won't be disappointed. Or if Axmars' prices scare you try Wyred Slave. They make collars that are a bit more affordable.


Take The Sex Slave Collar Test
at HelloQuizzy

Ownership

Master has started the search for my new collar.  We have a couple now for various reasons, all can be locked with a small lock.  Master and i both want one that has a screw in it and requires an allen wrench to open.  Some make them so the screw takes a unique wrench and can't be opened by anyone just ducking down to the local hardware store.  We both want one that will stay on permanently, but can still be taken off in case of emergency, like an operation.

Later on, i will be getting pierced as well.  i've had a few nipple piercings done and they haven't taken.  We will try again though.  The piercing of ownership however, isn't that.  We both want the Story of O style piercing.  Not what you see in the movies, what is described in the book.  The piercing is large and bulky, coming down around 1/3 the length of her thigh.  It has a disc on the end to esclaim ownership.  It also doesn't come off.  Looks like we have to get it made, because i can't find anyone selling anything like it at all.  Once its in i will be finding a new doctor.  The one i currently go to is Master's doctor and He doesn't want people outside the scene knowing about His personal business, so when i have to go for pap smears or what have you, that is going to be a give away.  Secretly, i would love for it to be a scene doctor who would have permission to use me sexually during visits.  But that's my fantasy.

:(

Let me tell you, food poisoning isn't fun.  For some reason, my system just isn't recovering that quickly.  Could be my IBS has kicked in as well *shrug*.  All i know is i still feel lousy.  Headache is a little less now, more just a tightness or nagging feeling on the side of the head.  Not feeling icky, but not feeling well and still got the gds.  Actually got that part worse now.  

Master left me with a task this morning.  i had to lay upside down on the bed, with my feet resting on the bedhead (its a high, wrought iron one)  and i had to cum.  All was good, except at the first sign of arousal i'm getting a migraine.  So, after cumming i laid there with my eyes shut and my hand pushing against my temple to try and stop the pain.  i suspect this has to do with dehydration i'm going through right now.  i'm usually in a state of slight dehydration, but when sick like this its a lot worse.  i get the migraine-with-O sometimes. It will last a day or two then suddenly go.  Right now i'm prone to headaches/migrains and i think its just to do with the food poisoning.  Its like some alien creature has entered my body and declared war.

All i want to do now is sleep.  i have no energy to do anything, barely enough to even sit here and type.  Being sick is no fun :(

23 February 2009

The not good stuff

On Saturday, on the way down to the gold coast, we stopped off to get some nandos chicken. i ended up getting slight food poisoning that didn't cripple me but now its Monday and i still feel lousy from it. One of those nagging headaches that don't need a pill, but are just 'there' constantly. Also, got icky nausea and a slight case of the gd's (gds = gotta dash (to toilet) ). Not so great. Hopefully, tomorrow will see me feeling better.

Forgot to mention before, on Saturday before we left i received a punishment for not completing a task 2 days before. i haven't been punished for anything in over 2 years (not because i'm extra good, because we had been really low key - almost nilla for that period of time) and it was a real shock to the system.

Today, Master cracked a tooth and had to get it out. So, He is not feeling the best poor Man. i remember getting a tooth out and it is so not fun!

collar meme

Your result for The Sex Slave Collar Test...

Totaly enslaved

57 % Strength, 71 % Permanence, 70 % comfort


You want steel locked tight around your throat, in fact you would be happy if it was welded on! However until that happy day explore Axsmar you won't be disappointed. Or if Axmars' prices scare you try Wyred Slave. They make collars that are a bit more affordable.


Take The Sex Slave Collar Test
at HelloQuizzy

Back to the diet

Back on meal replacement diets today. i lost some weight (not much) with the operation for lapband and that was so nice. i was just about in size 18 again and then i went and put most of it back on! Not happy Jan!

So, its back to meal replacements twice a day, a snack and evening meal of whatever i like, just keeping it in moderation. Master has also said He will get me a wii fit, so i can exercise at home and really begin to shed those kilos!

22 February 2009

4th annual records party

Went to the records party last nigh. A very lovely couple on the Gold Coast (Australia), came up with the idea of having an annual records party, where people try to set and beat previous records. Last night was the 4th annual one. The best so far.

Master has a thing about chains. He loves them. Must admit, i'm kinda taken with them myself. Wanna feel like you are seriously bound to a spot or just bound? Chains will do it every time. No chance of them coming undone or breaking! So He cut two lengths of chain and wrapped them tightly around each breast, padlocking them in place. He then put one around my neck and used the same padlock in each chain to join it, so essentially it was chain bra. Very nice. i wore it under a black, short dress and you just got a hint of chain poking through.

At one point, i saw on a chair in the kitchen and He started to hit my nipples with the back of His hands. With the chain bunching everything inside my breast up and holding it firmly, it was a very different sensation than just hitting the nipple. It got to a point where i seriously hurt and then it stopped hurting. i was almost flying. At one point i closed my eyes, mouth open wide and just surfed the sensations, so to speak. He stopped at this point and just held me. Took me a while to recover from subspace and i was pretty much there most of the night. Not in it, but on the boundary, easy enough to slip back in at any moment.

Later on, Master told me i will get more cock worship practice this year and possibly a chance to pussy worship as well. We have talked about getting another submissive to join us, someone for Him to train and hopefully, for me to go down on. i seriuosly love pussy. Love every thing about a woman.

This brought up some insecurities and issues for me. i love Master very much and He loves me. He's never said He's inlove with me, but has said He loves me many, many times. What if we get a submissive to join us and then He finds out He's inlove with her? That would seriously break my heart. Makes me feel teary just thinking about it now. i couldn't bear to lose Him. He is my world. i even had a cry on the drive home, though He wasn't aware.

In the end though, it is what He wants that counts. If that is to be, then it is to be. i do want someone else to join us, i always have. i just don't want to have our relationship be at risk is all.

21 February 2009

birthday gifts

my birthday present from Master arrived. 6 books on the Sumerian culture. i am so ecstatic. i love everything to do with the Sumerians and have even looked at doing a reconstruction of their religion to take on as my religion. These books are exactly what i need to learn about how the Sumerians lived, what they thought about their gods and how they worshipped them

Not related to by position of slave i know, but they are truly a wonderful gift from a most wonderful Master.

with much love and gratitude.

19 February 2009

Finding adult yahoo groups

http://dir.groups.yahoo.com/dir/Romance___Relationships/Adult

Link

If you believe Men are naturally superior to women and you live this in your life, then you might want to join a new group i started.
Nature Intended

All is good

Last night Master and i talked about how everything is going. We've only just come back to our M/s path. i spent a while being princess precious as my sister would say and He had stresses from work. Not working anymore has helped me to find a balance and calm i haven't had in ages. i'm looking forward to study, but i get to stay home and do that, so its all fun.

i told Him why i spend so much time on the sites i do. i cannot explain it, but reading websites talking about it being right, proper and natural for a woman to be in the home and serving her Man's needs, that Men are superior to women by nature - doesn't mean better, just means superior, as in stronger - i find it all an incredible turn on. But not in the usual way. This excites me and causes a fire to burn deep inside me, somewhere near the womb! Usually when i'm aroused, a good wank and i'm right as rain, but not with this. i don't want to masturbate. i actually want to be taken.

So, i explained all this to Him, how it excites me and helps to develop the slave desire within and He got really excited by that. He believes in the equality of the sexes, but i'm hoping one day it will feel right and natural for Him to think of me as inferior, to see me as weaker, as property. i actually want that. i don't know why, but its definitely about going further into my slavery.

We had spoken a long time ago about His love of the Story of O. Not so much the movie versions, but the actual book. We had discussed me getting the same piercing as O and i told Him last night that though its up to Him what i get, if i were to have any say, i would want the same piercing O had or bigger. Don't go by what you see in the movies, in the book the piercing is big, chunky and goes 2/3s of the way down her thigh! Its there, its heavy and visible. There is no mistaking what it is or its meaning. He loved that i so wanted that.

i just love the idea of being changed in ways that He has chosen. i've love to have nipple stretchers in and also a chastity belt worn around the house. Or even while out shopping for that matter!

So all things are good. i was supposed to do a task the other day and didn't do it. Not rebellious, just didn't do it. i told Master last night that i need to be punished for things. i need punishment for this and He told me He'd already written it down. Now i'm not going to like getting it and most people don't look forward to punishment, i certainly don't like it, but i'm happy about this. i'm looking forward to getting this. Its been too long. It will remind me i am slave. That's what i want, that's what i crave. i just think i'm ready to go into this way deeper than He might be at this time.

17 February 2009

i think i'm on a travellator

Its amazing how you can be idling for the longest time at one moment, then revving up the next. That's how i feel. i realise i'm ready to go into a TPE M/s relationship with Master and i have no qualms or worries about that. i used to be terrified once upon a time. Not now.

i think coming to realise my position as His property and also that my position as inferior because i'm a woman has helped this process. i see Men as superior, as the glorisous creatures They are to be served and worshipped and adored.

This morning when He left for work i was given an order to cum on the coffee table in roughly an hour's time from that, (which turned out to be 7am my time). Knowing i was doing it for Him gave it a very nice edge thank you.

Discovering peace within

i stumbled across some yahoo groups yesterday for those who believe the natural order of things is for Man to be in total control and women to be their owned property. As i read on, i came across some links to blog pages where a Man was discussing what's wrong with the world today and laying it solely at the feet of feminism.

As i read i could feel layers being stripped away. i stayed up all night to read, but i'm finding myself in a place of peace and calm for the first time in ages. Its all because of what i read. Men are superior to women. That is just how it is. women are inferior beings who need to be controlled by Men. He had this to say about women...


Moodiness, emotional instability, irrationality, flakiness, self-contradiction, cattiness, amorality, endless gossip, turning accountability into victimhood, unreliability, snapping under pressure, nagging, pettiness, narcissisic, no gratitude, dissmulation, manipulation, vindictiveness, back-stabbing, fraud, false accusations & shallow materialism...


and i have to agree. This is me to a tee. This is also every other woman i've known, and considering i've worked in women only establishments, that's a lot of women. Women need to have a Man keep them in their place. It is what will make them truly happy.

i also noticed that now my natural slaveness has come back, i'm starting to see Master become more dominant again. Its true, if a woman wants a Man to be more in control, she must become more submissive first.

http://womenintheworkplacetoday.blogspot.com/

a letter to Master

To my Beloved Master,

i cannot explain where my submission has been for the past two years or why it has come back so suddenly now, but it is here and i'm so glad it has come back.

in the two years since offering me Your collar of Ownership, You have been the most patient, accepting, loving Man and Master any woman/slave could wish for. i think i needed that time to learn to trust You on a deep level, i don't know, i only know i have come out the other side with a trust, love and respect that goes deeper than i have felt for anyone.

i feel so honoured and privileged to be Your slave. i now realise a slave is what i am and what i want to be. i feel i am now able to fully surrender myself to You as a slave, not a submissive and i feel overwhelmed with love and gratitude that i can do this with You.

W/we both know i'm gonna fall on the way again, but i have the utmost confidence You will be there to pick me up. i will go with full commitment and full surrender as far as i can and know You will wait for me when i find myself unable to take a step forward, but i know i shall be able to go wherever You wish to lead us. Inability to trust has been at the bottom of all my issues and wavering with my surrender to You, finally coming to a place where i am able to accept my surrender and to also offer it has been a hard path to walk, but i have made it and i am here ready to go the rest of the way with You, not against You.

Please accept my love, commitment and surrender to You, the most Precious person alive on this earth.

with love,
Your slave and property,
michelle
xxx

16 February 2009

A return

What realisations did my birthday bring?  i haven't worked them all out yet, but i know a few.  i am a slave, no getting around that.  i want to be a slave to my Master and to no other person alive.  i want to place myself in His hands, to do with as He wishes, for i know beyond a shadow of a doubt He would never do anything to harm me in any way.  He truly does cherish His possessions much more than that.

my life has been ruled by my inability to trust people with my deepest, most secret self.  Yet this two years i spent in the desert of my own making, has been about trust.  He waited patiently for me to come out the other side, not knowing what the end result was truly going to be.  He was vulnerable and trusting of me first and that helped me to trust in Him oh so much more.

So now i am ready to walk the path of slave with this Man.  i am ready to take on my role and responsibility of being the best ambassador of Him i can possibly be.  This includes my returning to study full time, to do a BA in subjects i have had a great passion about for years.  i am returning to things i love and along with those equally, is submission.

i looked at the things i've always found arousing, always wanted to do.  i made a list of these and added them to my profile at fetlife.  Despite the various stretching bits, the old guard protocols and control in the form of dress, use and chastity, is a return to fantasies we both shared when we first got together.

He told me of His desire to include elements of "The Story of O" into His relationships.  The dress style, the grace and poise of the women, the piercing O received and i was extremely turned on by it.   The idea of being marked and tagged as owned si really arousing.  i let my fear of what others might think get in the way of making this reality all this time, unconsciously fighting the inevitable.  But now i realise it doesn't matter.  People wil think what they want to think.  i can't control that.  All i can do is get on with living my life in the most authentic way possible for me and that includes being a slave to Master.

We discussed a permanent collar that is locked into place and doesn't come off.  We both want this, a sign i am taken, i am owned property to all who know the meaning of the collar.  A band of steel locked around my neck.  

We discussed O's piercing, a tag with her Owner's design and name pierced to her labia.  Not some cute ring thing like you see most women getting or even in the O movies.  No, we both want it to be as in the book.  This meant business.  It was a weighted disc, hung from two strong, large oval links so the whole measures 2/3 the way down her thigh.  This is serious stuff and doesn't neatly pack away.  Even if a slave were to tuck this into her panties while out doing vanilla things, there would still be plenty of weight there between her legs. 

O also gets brandings to mark her ownership.  We discussed looking at these.  i want to be tattooed with His mark, to show i am His, but branding is also the ultimate in markings i think.  Animals are branded to show who Owns them.  Why not me?

Not of O, but none the less another big interest of mine is the chastity belt.  i want to be locked into one that is on for more than a few hours.  i want to be locked up for weeks at a time and teased mercilessly by Master so that i just about explode with the need to cum - but can't.  The ultimate in Ownership and Possession is to be used totally for Master's will and amusement, with no thought to what you want out of it.  

There is strength in surrender

If you are into astrology at all, then you will know what i mean when i say i'm aquarian.  Aquarians are typically independent, individual, strong headed knowing their own mind, loners and have a rather unique way of doing things (my orderliness is your chaos).  Some would say not the good makings of a submissive-cum-slave.  i disagree.

There is much strength in being independent and strong willed.  i can look after myself.  i can be responsible for others if i must.  Don't like it, don't want to be, but i can.  It takes a very confident, mature and strong man to dominate a slave like that.  i don't just give it up for anybody and no matter how submissive i was feeling, i'll still tell you to fuck off if you cross a line (like the so called 'doms' who read my profile and ask if i want a master).

Knowing the submissive is no pushover and must be woed and conjoled and even reasoned with in order to win her mind and heart, means the Dominant must be stronger still and is valiant in his efforts.  the submissive is a prize worth winning and He is entitled to the true mean of Master.  it is a great ego boost to the Master who wins her because she won't give herself to just anybody.  So to finally have her kneel and surrender is truly a wonderful moment for them both.  He has shown He is worthy of her trust and surrender and she has shown she is deserving of His domination.  

In the beginning

We met over 4 years ago.  i had travelled from one place to another to meet some people.  He was a friend of theirs.  For me, it was connection at first sight.  i was completely besotted.  Love came about a week later.  For Him, it took a little longer.  A month later i had followed Him to Brisbane and a few months after that moved in with Him.  Approximately 9 months later, He asked me to be His submissive - to receive His training collar and 2 years later, to receive the full collar.

The time between start and present has been an interesting one, full of many ups and downs on both sides.  In all that time He has never once let me down, disappointed me or hurt me in any way.  He is the most patient and loving of men i have ever met.  He is charming, considerate and polite - and intelligent beyond belief.  A quiet achiever, He gains people's respect easily.  i on the other hand, have a tendency to grate on people!  i am a full on kind of person, i have a strong, 'out there' personality and people tend to either love me or hate me.  i don't care.  This is who i am.

Two years ago i went through a mini crisis.  i was 33 when i discovered i was a submissive, in every sense of the word.  i had been seeking the dream D/s relationship since, the one where i could trust my Dominant with all my heart and soul and i would be loved and cherished in return.  So why, when He offered me His full collar did i almost turn Him down?

i was going through a serious doubting of who i was in this life.  It actually lasted two years.  i had to work through many issues in that time, to find out who and what i am.  i worked in a job i hated, in an industry i didn't really care about.  Stress was such a big and constant part of that job, i never had any time to serve or to think about what He might be going through.  Since getting the sack from my last job (basically they are idiots, i kid you not), i have had several months to relax and unwind.  It was with my 42nd birthday this year that things changed again suddenly.

i found my libido again and with it my submission.  The two are intrinsically linked.  For me there is not one without the other.  i have swung back full tilt and then some.  This journal is a result of that rollercoaster ride over the last two years, so i can record what we go through and what i learn about myself, about Him, about life and as a testament to what we have with each other.